Bio

Name: Just Plain John

Occupation: Graphic artist, moody loner, barfly

History: When I was born, I was much smaller than I am today, and I didn’t have a beard. I wore my clothes once and then threw them away. It was okay to be antisocial then, because I didn’t speak any languages. Much later, I learned about beer. While beer made me much more social, it also taught me a valuable lesson — in most social situations, adults should not throw their clothes away. Two interesting things happened in college: I had a roommate who ate ONLY potatoes, and I had Steven King for an English literature class.

Goals: Develop a convincing Scottish accent. Learn to juggle. Become slightly more famous than my fake cousin Bonnie Burton, and then taunt her. Finish my latest play by William Shakespeare, “Bonlet the Dame.”

Worst habits: Public Van Halen and Ramones poetry readings. Poking holes in Food Bag turnovers so I can see what flavor they are.

Greatest fear: I will be beaned by flying old-lady panties at the Tom Jones concert.

Motto: He who hesitates is me.

Back-up Motto: You evolve; I'll wait here.

Favorite state of consciousness: REM.

Philosophy: Nothing is easy, not even nothing.

The eternal questions: Why is the banana peel the most slippery object in all cartoons? Why does Guinnesss Stout look so foamy but taste so flat?

Faults: Can’t dance. Can’t drive a stick shift. Don’t like people.

Disposition: Pleasant, surly, pleasant.

Best Halloween Costumes: can of Spam, flesh eating bacteria, man with a squirrel in his pants.